Personal Decon

Really though? CAN WE JUST GET OUT OF DAMN IRAQ?!?!?!?

I know EVERYONE has been affected by this war in one way or another.  I can see the changes in my brother- he was over there twice and thank goodness made it home without any physical damage (except a scar from getting bit by some monstrous desert spider)… but I know MENTALLY he has some things to deal with that may never heal….

Then there is Emily Perez.  I went to high school with Emily.  Since she was younger than I was, we didnt hang out much, but the loss was still numbing when I heard the news. She even has a page on wikipedia now- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Perez.  She was honored in the memorium at the NAACP Image Awards. 

And now, Ben Hall.  His funeral is this coming Monday and since Im already here in DC I am thinking about  going. 

My good friend Marcel’s uncle was killed over there also.

Just bring our soldiers HOME.  I have been directly affected by this war and many, many others have even more.  Its not worth it man.

I just learned that Im 26 years old and still feel the need for "validation" from my father…  When I was younger, it always seemed like nothing I did was good enough for him- it was always "why didnt you do better?"… As I got older I felt like I was in competition with my siblings… he would make it obvious he thought my sister was prettier than me- and now that she has her own radio show shes really doing big things…. my youngest brother was more athletic than me… and my oldest brother- well he joined the military and ended up enrolling as an Honors Student at his alma mater- so you KNOW he was proud.  And me? Well Im on the 10 year college plan, got knocked up out of wedlock with the worst possible sperm donor, keep getting laid off at every damn job I seem to find… consistently I feel like Im still the failure in my father’s eyes.

This semester Ive gotten VERY good grades. Ive been studying and listening extra hard in class.  Since graduation is SO near Id like to atleast come out of there with a respectable GPA so when I got my 3 midterms back- ALL A’s (one was even a straight up 100%!!)… I was ecstatic and called my dad.  He seemed happy… but I never thought about how happy he actually really was.  Until I just talked to my oldest brother.  We were discussing all of our summer classes and I mentioned my As and he said, "I know- dad told me. He was all proud like, Did Grayse tell you?!? She got so an so…" 

It felt really good to know that my father bragged about me for once.  And I realized that I need that even still.  Im over the hump to 30 and still have the innate need to know my dad is proud of me. 

Wow I havent been here in awhile.  Im surprised I even remembered my log-on info. 

Here it is, 6:44 am on a Saturday morning and Im blogging.  Im not even a "blogger" anymore.  I miss hearing from my readers (although most of them arent blogging anymore either!)… I cant sleep- my son has a terrible fever that wont go away and now Im just UP while hes lying in my bed, just as peaceful as can be.  Gawd I love that child.  I realize everyone thinks that THEIR child is perfect, but I just stare at him sometimes- his little button nose; his long, thick eyelashes surrounding his big brown eyes; his cute little lips that smoosh up like a fish when he sleeps; his soft, chunky turkey legs he got from his mama; his little freckles on his foot and chest; his soft brown hair with gold highlights I would die for… there is not a single thing about him I would change.  He gives the best hugs and kisses (when he wants to- hes very selective)… he has the cutest, dorkiest baby laugh.  GAWD I LOVE THAT CHILD! 

Obviously- thats what Ive been doing… being a mommy.  And a full time student.  And an entrepreneur.  I have less than a year to go before I finally walk that stage.  Its been a LOOOONG time coming, but its on the horizon. 

I need to come here more often…

You know, isnt it funny how every time you feel like everything is going just right that you get thrown a curveball and it messes up your whole rotation?

In my last post, I was so excited that things were falling into place for me…. school, work, day care etc… well school is GREAT. I really like all of my professors and it seems like Ill be learning a lot of interesting things.  Day care- LOVE IT! And the baby loves it too.  Hes always happy when he comes home and hasnt cried when I left him there yet. He did catch a cold already tho *sigh*. But I guess that comes with the territory.

Work- not quite so well.  How about I got LET GO my second day bacK!?!?  They said they decided that they really didnt need a third person- they werent busy enough.

YOU PEOPLE DIDNT REALIZE YALL DIDNT REALLY MISS ME THOSE FOUR MONTHS I WAS OUT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! I mean, I consistently e mailed my boss, checking in- making sure I would still be welcome back, etc.  I even drove up there a few times to visit in.  On my first day back- filled out all my 2007 tax info… got the new schedule straight, etc.  On my second day- yeah. Done. Over.  If those bastids woulda told me while I was out AND NOT DOING ANYTHING I would have spent some time looking for work, interviewing, etc… but now its a lil harder since I dont have any family here anymore, I have school, blah blah blah.

I swear- talk about wanting to shoot up your workplace. 

So, now Im unemployed.  I have a little business Im in the process of getting up and running- Ive already had a few clients, so there seems to be a demand for my services *haha*…. so maybe this is just a sign telling me to DAMN THE MAN and do my own thing.  I just hope that I can do it and earn enough to support myself and my son while Im in school.  ITS SOME BULLSHIT YALL!!

Anyways- Im sure something will work out for me.  But that damn employer can kick rocks

At this moment, I couldnt any more happier/blessed/excited.

We are only 4 days into 2007 and I have had an excellent year already.  Going into 2007, I was worried about how things would turn out with school, day care and work.  I found a woman about 2 months ago that provides child care in her home.  She lives RIGHT down the street from me, seemed very nice and I was excited for my son to start there.  However, A WEEK prior to him starting, she let me know she raised her rates (by $80 a month!!) and changed her hours.  So now, not only would I not really be able to afford her, but I wouldnt make it to class in time without killing about 3 other people on the road on my way there. 

So I prayed about it and hoped I would find a solution.  I perused the online classifieds over the weekend and found an ad for a woman on the southside. Nowhere near my home, but close to my school.  Her rates were EXCELLENT and the location would mean that I could take the HOV lane ALL the way downtown and back home *lol*

I wanted to call her right away, but since it was a holiday and all, I decided I guess I could wait.  First thing Tuesday morning, I got on the phone.  We spoke and she seemed really nice.  We decided I should come by that day to check her out. I got in the shower and PRAYED that she was the one.  I just couldnt afford the other lady anymore and I knew time was running out.  So the baby and I headed to the southside.

Yall, how about I LOVE her!!!!??!!  Her rates are FABULOUS… she seemed SOOO nice. My baby LOVED her. He was just sittin there talking and laughing and acting all excited.  Oh my goodness I am so relieved. 

THEN, my job said that I could change my hours to start an hour earlier and get off earlier, which will be a HUGE help. I wont be in rush hour traffic on my way TO work now AND I will get off earlier so I can get to bed at a more decent hour and my baby wont be up too late.

Im tellin yall- Im EXCITED!!! Im hating that I have to go back to school and work and it wont just be me and my lil man all day anymore *lol* but I guess I have no choice.  Im glad I was able to stay at home with him this long. Ive watched him grow so much! I will make a seperate, password protected post with some pictures for you to see…

Hello hello!

For those of you still checkin in on me… I sincerely appreciate it! Ive been MIA for the longest but Im hoping with the new year, mommyhood becoming second nature now, school and work starting back up and everything else that I will be blogging more and back to my exciting tales *lol*

Ive also decided that not all posts will be password protected from here on out.  For awhile it really irritated me that ANYONE could read what I had to say, but Im ok with it again.  Dont ask why.  Couldnt tell ya.  But the personal entries WILL still be password protected.  No longer will I share TOO much.

ANY-A-WAYS…. Today is Christmas and Im at my father’s as usual.  The baby seemed to have a great first Christmas, although he of course didnt know WHAT was going on.  All he knows is hes with his uncles, aunt and grandpa so hes getting spoiled.  This is why I dread going home from here because I always have to set him straight again when we get there. I am only one person and can no way show you as much attention as 4 other people.  Motherhood is going well, though.  I was watching some video footage of him on the day he came home from the hospital and I cant believe how much he has grown just since then.  He is only 3 months old, but already wearing 9-12 mos clothes.  He is over 25 inches long and lawd knows how much he weighs by now.  Hes already scooching around on the ground, almost doing an actual "crawl".

I will be starting school again in January.  If I would have the ability to totally abandon my child and only concentrate on school I would graduate this year coming up.  However, this is of course NOT an option, so May 10, 2008.  Georgia Dome. You’re all invited!  Lawd I hope that it really pans out that way.  I know the next year and a half will be a struggle.  But I am a lil excited to go back to school, learn some things, meet some new people.  I will be going back to my old job, but not sure for how long.  They only have the evening shift available for now, which is fine until March- but after that my evening sitter will no longer be around. 

Ive learned alot the last three months- my priorities have completely shifted and I am more confident in my abilities regarding EVERYTHING.  Ive eliminated most of the negativity in my life- mainly those toxic people. 

I guess what Im trying to say is, your girl is all grown up! *lol* I actually really do feel 25 now.

As far as men/dating… blah.  Not a single prospect in sight.  And I hate when people tell me I dont "need" a man, and I should concentrate on my baby and blah blah blah.  Well, I dont NEEEEED a man, but dammit if it wouldnt be nice to have some company around.  And I can still very well concentrate on my son WITH a man.  So to those people I say- shut up.

Christmas dinner is ready, so I gotta sign off, but I hope all of you have/had a wonderful holiday and I miss you guys!!!!

Someone so nicely brought to my attention that this site was still "google-able" if you google my name.  This leaves me no choice but to password protect all  my damn posts.  So for those of you who get here and cant read anything, feel free to e mail me and I may send you a password- but if I have no fuckin idea who you are- dont bother.  Sorry.  As soon as I post about the latest BIG news in my life (and yes- it is what you think it is for those that dont already know *lol*)… I will e mail everyone the passwords.   If I forget to e mail you, blame it on the "mommy brain". *wink* lol… just hit me up and Ill get it to you.